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What Will I Become

All your life you spend searching and seeking, whether that’s for a significant other, that one career, that adrenaline high of your life’s adventure, whatever it is, we all spend our lives searching and seeking. I find myself nowadays seeking the next thrill of the darkest tendencies of other people that I can find and help. It takes me much longer, however, to see the plank in my own eye. The past often times is riddled with pain and old wounds, things that have never been healed or taken care of. As I look forward to this new year, I can’t help but wonder: What will I become?

Most of my life was spent in fear and questioning every little detail to ensure my survival. Getting to where I am today hasn’t come about by simply wishing my life were something other than it was. It took dedication, will power, and support, to name a few things I had in the process of maturing and healing. Many hardships got in my way during the time I spent climbing out of the abyss of fear. I was terrified to break free of the fear that bound me down.

At the beginning of 2017, I was crushed, broken. My depression had set in pretty heavily and I lacked motivation to carry out simple tasks. After a couple months of moping and feeling low I decided enough was enough. I took a stand against myself and where I let my mind take me. No longer would I let depression control me. I decided that my life was looking up and I had a lot going for me. Convinced myself of this truth that I knew was deep inside of me. Over the course of a few months and being dedicated to keeping a positive mind-frame, I overcame the long-lasting depression I had let myself slip into. I sought out truth, healing, and encouragement.

I’m to the point now of being able to cope with fear and overcome my anxiety despite the sometimes crushing turmoil within me. I find that sometimes the future can be a frightening place to look to; yet still a place of hope and intrigue and adventure. It has so much to offer. Thinking about beginning a life and having people around me to grow alongside me sounds like the best adventure I can think of. Of course I know there will be pain and heartache. To some extent that is a fear of mine but the risk is well worth the reward.

A bigger risk and a better reward is that of seeking out healing. Stop for a moment. What is still broken within you? What could use a little cleaning? A goal of mine this year is to be bold. To stand out as someone who is known for having courage despite fear or anxiety. I want to encourage any of you reading this now. You can become more. You can become more than your anxiety, more than your suicidal thoughts or self-harming thoughts because you are more than all of those labels and feelings. Don’t be afraid to break free of the chains that bind you to your timidity.

This year, I will become. I will become more than insecurity, more than anxiety. These few things, and more, I deeply wish for anyone struggling. Become more than your fears. Grab them fiercely and don’t let go until you’ve won the battle. I’ve made the choice to not let timidity take over.

I will become bold.

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