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Caden (retired)

I felt alone, unloved, and without any purpose. When I was depressed, I would isolate myself. When I had suicidal thoughts, I would fiddle around with knives of sharp objects. I never hurt myself in any way, but I was in a dark place. I would put myself in dangerous places where things could go really bad, really fast. What was weird about this though, is that I was never able to go further than that, or rather, I was never able to hurt myself. I would often ask myself why I couldn’t hurt myself or commit suicide. I would think “why cant I hurt myself?” or “wouldn’t everyone else just benefit from me being gone?”.  As I thought about it more and more, I kept thinking back to this one story. I remember my mom and I driving to a track meet. She had asked me if I had ever had thoughts about suicide. I answered yes. She stayed calm, and asked me if I had ever hurt myself, to which I answered no. Then, she told me something that I believe stuck with me and kept me safe throughout all that time. She said that no matter how down I felt, and no matter how mad I was at my family, my friends, or even my life, that she loved me so much and that she could never bear to lose me. From then on, whenever I felt depressed or wanted to commit suicide, I would think back to what my mom said. I could never go through with something like that because I knew what I was worth to my parents and could never do that to them. I really think its funny how a phrase as simple as “you matter to me” kept me from so much harm throughout those dark times. This is why I’m involved with Project Reasons, because I believe that everybody needs to know that they have a purpose, and that they matter.


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