I am not suicidal but I clearly remember being so. I remember not having the effort and energy to complete another day. I wasn't sure why, I just didn't have a will. I told my dad, we went outside and laid on the hood of the car, looked at the stars and talked. This was great because I just didn't want to look at him and talk, it was easier to look together at something else like the stars. He explained that he had those feelings at different times in his life also. I felt sad for my dad in a way that I wasn't able to feel sad for myself. Just knowing that I wasn't alone in my thinking was comforting. And even though I could not see my own future clearly, the awareness that my dad would suffer and feel such immense anguish at my leaving, I knew I could never seriously consider suicide as an option again. Eventually, I was able to live for myself too, but in that moment I was living for him and it was okay.
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