WHO AM I

April 25, 2017

 

Hello.  My name is Macy Rae -- and I was depressed.  

What are you?  

Hello.  My name is Macy Rae -- and I was alone .

What are you? 

Hello.  My name is Macy Rae -- and I was trapped . 

what are you? 

Hello. My name is Macy Rae and I was a cutter.

What are you? 

Hello.  My name is Macy Rae -- and I was-- ???

Have you ever noticed the way a story can define you?  My story did.  I wore it as though it were an outfit.  My depression kept me warm and safe.  My anxiety was "comfortable".  My self harm made me happy.  When I looked at myself in the mirror, I somehow became my scars.  Macy Rae faded away and became a crimson drip on white porcelain.  It was as though I never existed outside of my wounds.  When the cuts healed, it was as though my identity was slipping away-- and because of that, I needed more.   I always needed just one more.

 

For me, it really wasn't that I was trapped in my depression and self harm habits- no one was holding me hostage.  I was simply too scared to live a life that was unknown.  Kind of like being afraid of the dark, the darkness isn't what is scary, it is what lurks behind the shadows.

 

When I was living in the darkness, I often looked at pictures of the past -- baby pictures.  Each picture was a time where I was happy, carefree, innocent, and filled with laughter.  I always asked myself when did I change?  How did I become the monster that I was?  

 

I did not understand that I never did change.  I still had that childlike joy within me, I had simply refused to let it shine.  That refusal -- is what kept me depressed for so long.  All I had to do, was open my arms and embrace who I really was. As soon as I figured that out, I was freed and I discovered something.  A story has power, but it can not determine who you are.  It can not decide who you will be.

 

My name is Macy Rae -- I am joyous

What are you?

 My name is Macy Rae -- I am loved

What are you?

My name is Macy Rae -- I am free

What are you?

My name is Macy Rae -- I am Macy Rae

Who are you?  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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